I am posting Brainless: The Insanity of Conservatism, my satire of Ann Coulter's screed, Godless: the Church of Liberalism. Ann's ranting is on the left (for once--ha, ha) and mine is on the right. Note that I don't necessarily agree with everything I've written below: the point was to satirize Coulter, not to articulate my political beliefs (trust me, I could do it far better than Coulter).
|ANN COULTER||FALSE PROPHET|
|ON THE SEVENTH DAY, GOD RESTED AND LIBERALS SCHEMED||AFTER THE FOURTH ERA, GOD TOOK A NAP AND CONSERVATIVES STOLE THE KEYS TO THE ASYLUM|
|Liberals love to boast that they are not "religious," which is what one would expect to hear from the state-sanctioned religion. Of course liberalism is a religion. It has its own cosmology, its own miracles, its own beliefs in the supernatural, its own churches, its own high priests, its own saints, its own total worldview, and its own explanation of the existence of the universe. In other words, liberalism contains all the attributes of what is generally known as "religion."||Conservatives love to boast that they favour small government and personal responsibility, which is what one would expect to hear from sensible people. Of course conservatism is not sensible. It has its own fantasy world, its own "laws of nature", its own irrational beliefs, its own asylums, its own people with Napoleon complexes, its own insane worldview, and its own deluded explanation of the existence of the universe. In other words, conservatism contains all the attributes of what is generally known as "insanity".|
|Under the guise of not favoring religion, liberals favor one cosmology over another and demand total indoctrination into theirs. The state religion of liberalism demands obeisance (to the National Organization for Women), tithing (to teachers' unions), reverence (for abortion), and formulaic imprecations ("Bush lied, kids died!" "Keep your laws off my body!" 'Arms for hostages!"). Everyone is taxed to sup-port indoctrination into the state religion through the public schools, where innocent children are taught a specific belief system, rather than, say, math.||Under the guise of favouring small, laissez-faire government and personal responsibility, conservatives favour hypocrasy and demand total adherence to their inconsistent and insane worldview. The national insanity of conservatism demands big government (when it comes to military and police powers), big spending (on the military-industrial complex), state interference into private lives (concerning a woman's right to her own body), and irrational mantras to cover for failures of conservative policy (the failure of the Bush administration in Iraq is a result of the liberals' lack of will). Everyone is taxed to pay for a military-industrial apparatus that costs more than the next two dozen highest military spending nations combined, and that can't defeat two third-world insurgency movements. Everyone, that is, except for rich corporate executives whose wealth is based on the sweat of others, and churches, who indoctrinate innocent children and ignorant adults into specific irrational belief systems instead of, say, science.|
|Liberal doctrines are less scientifically provable than the story of Noah's ark, but their belief system is taught as fact in government schools, while the Biblical belief system is banned from government schools by law. As a matter of faith, liberals believe: Darwinism is a fact, people are born gay, child-molesters can be rehabilitated, recycling is a virtue, and chastity is not. If people are born gay, why hasn't Darwinism weeded out people who don't reproduce? (For that, we need a theory of survival of the most fabulous.) And if gays can't change, why do liberals think child-molesters can? Pedophilia is a sexual preference. If they're born that way, instead of rehabilitation, how about keeping them locked up? Why must children be taught that recycling is the only answer? Why aren't we teaching children "safe littering"?||Conservative doctrines are less rational than astrology, but their insanity is declared as sensible by the "liberal" media, while skeptic and rational debates about policy are banned from public forums. As indication of their insanity, conservatives believe: that the earth was created in 6 days despite a mountain of scientific evidence to the contrary, that what goes on in your bedroom is their business, that there is scientific evidence that some races are superior to others, but that there is no scientific evidence for global warming, greed is a virtue, but charity is not. If the world was "intelligently designed", why did God create inferior races in the first place? (For that, we need an intelligent design theory of the most fascist.) And if black and brown people are so inferior, why do conservatives consider them criminal geniuses and terrorist masterminds? If God intelligently designed the universe, why couldn't He intelligently design our criminal justice system? Why must people be deluded into believing the highly-paid shills of corporate interests? Why aren't we giving people the facts and encouraging a skeptic attitude towards outrageous claims?|
|We aren't allowed to ask. Believers in the liberal faith might turn violent—much like the practitioners of Islam, the Religion of Peace, who ransacked Danish embassies worldwide because a Danish news-paper published cartoons of Mohammed. This is something else that can't be taught in government schools: Muslims' predilection for vio-lence. On the first anniversary of the 9/11 attack, the National Education Association's instruction materials exhorted teachers, "Do not suggest that any group is responsible" for the attack of 9/11.||We aren't allowed to question. Those afflicted with the conservative insanity might turn violent--much like the practitioners of Christianity, the "Blessed Peacemakers", who bomb family-planning clinics and shoot obstetricians because they can't stand the thought of a woman having ownership of her own body and control over her own sexual destiny. This is something else that can't be brought up in public forums: Christians' predilection for irrational, insane beliefs and behaviours. Within three days of 9/11, on national TV, Christian Rev. Jerry Falwell blamed the attacks on " pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians...the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America (including the Founding Fathers?)."|
There's more to come...
UPDATE: I can't seem to get rid of that white space between the text and the table above. If anyone can help me out, I'd appreciate it. Blogger seems to be adding two line breaks for reasons I can't fathom.