Monday, February 12, 2007

Brainless, the Conclusion

Finally, the last part of Brainless: The Insanity of Conservatism, my spoof of Ann Coulter's Godless: the Church of Liberalism. While Ann goes on for another 200+ pages, I'm not getting paid thousands by a horde of barely sentient amoebas for this, so I must bring a close to this little exercise.

Part 1 available here.
Part 2 available here.

Bonus feature! Click here to download a video of the BBC's Jeremy Paxman eviscerating Ann Coulter in an interview about Godless (RealPlayer required).

The core of the Judeo-Christian tradition says that we are utterly and distinctly apart from other species. We have dominion over the plants and the animals on Earth. God gave it to us, it's ours—as stated succinctly in the book of Genesis. Liberals would sooner trust the stewardship of the Earth to Shetland ponies and dung beetles. All their pseudoscience supports an alternative religion that says we are an insignificant part of nature. Environmentalists want mass infanticide, zero population growth, reduced standards of living, and vegetarianism. The core of environmentalism is that they hate mankind.The core of the Enlightenment philosophy says "O what a work is Man" and that through the exercise of our reason, we can accomplish great things. We have all but eliminated many illnesses, greatly enhanced our understanding of nature, and increased the quality of life for all such that even a lower-class person in our society lives better than a king did 500 years ago. We owe this to science, reason, and secularism, as is obvious to any student of history. Conservatives would sooner get down on their knees in a mud hat covered with scabs and pray to the sky for answers to their problems. All their insanity supports is an irrational belief that the sky fairy hates everything that isn't them. Fundamentalist Christians want millions of unloved and unwanted children and women dying in alleyways, overpopulation, a 13th century quality of life, and no sex. The core of Fundamentalist Christianity is they believe God wants them to be miserable, and everyone else should be miserable too.
Everything liberals believe is in elegant opposition to basic Biblical precepts.

  1. Our religion says that human progress proceeds from the spark of divinity in the human soul; their religion holds that human progress is achieved through sex and death.

  2. We believe in invention and creation; they catalogue with stupefaction the current state of our diminishing resources and tell us to stop consuming.

  3. We say humans stand apart from the world and our charge is Planet Earth; they say we are part of the world, and our hubris-tic use of nature is sinful.

  4. We say humans are in God's image; they say we are no different morally from the apes.

  5. We believe in populating the Earth until there's standing room only and then colonizing Mars; they believe humans are in the twilight of their existence.

Everything conservatives believe is in opposition to reason and fact:

  1. The philosophy of the Enlightenment holds that human progress proceeds from the spark of reason and the exercise of the scientific method; their insanity believes civilization should regress to the 13th century.

  2. Scientifc fact says that natural resources are being expended at an unsustainable rate and global warming is a growing concern. Their "science" implores us to increase consumption and ignore greenhouse gas emissions despite the threat of societal collapse and environmental catastrophe.

  3. Reason, science and secularism have allowed Western civilization to progress to its current state in less than 500 years; they would give credit to God for humanity's works.

  4. Evolution is a fact, and has allowed for considerable advances in medicine. They would have us dying in gutters from flu and leprosy until the Second Coming.

  5. Science indicates that human civilization may be in dire straits soon; they don't care, as they expect to be swept away by the Rapture imminently.

Our book is Genesis. Their book is Rachel Carson's Silent Spring, the original environmental hoax. Carson brainwashed an entire generation into imagining a world without birds, killed by DDT. Because of liberals' druidical religious beliefs, they won't allow us to save Africans dying in droves of malaria with DDT because DDT might hurt the birds. A few years after oil drilling began in Prudhoe Bay, Alaska, a saboteur set off an explosion blowing a hole in the pipeline and releasing an estimated 550,000 gallons of oil. It was one of the most devastating environmental disasters in recent history. Six weeks later, all the birds were back. Birds are like rats—you couldn't get rid of them if you tried.Our method is based on evidence and examination. Their method is based on supposition and lies. Conservative Christians brainwashed an entire generation into imagining that a 12-week old fetus is a human being and that every sperm is sacred, despite the billions lost every night in natural nocturnal emissions. Because of conservatives' insane religious beliefs, they won't allow us to save Africans suffering from overpopulation because family planning might kill millions of sperm that would die anyway. Sperm is like conservative bullshit--you couldn't stem the flow if you tried.
The various weeds and vermin liberals are always trying to save are no more distinguishable than individual styles of rap music. The massive Dickey-Lincoln Dam, a $227 million hydroelectric project proposed on upper St. John River in Maine, was halted by the discovery of the Furbish lousewort, a plant previously believed to be extinct. Liberals didn't even know this plant still existed, but suddenly they were seized with affection for it. They had been missing it all that time! (Granted, the rediscovery of the Furbish lousewort has improved the lives of every man, woman, and child in America in ways too numerous to count, but even so . . .) Liberals are more upset when a tree is chopped down than when a child is aborted. Even if one rates an unborn child less than a full-blown person, doesn't the unborn child rate slightly higher than vegetation?The various bags of cells conservatives are always trying to save are no more distinguishable than individual styles of country music. The massive stem cell research initiative of the late 1990s, was halted by the irrational and insane beliefs of the Bush administration's supporters. (Granted, denying hope to thousands of people suffering from spinal injury or cystic fibrosis has improved the lives of every man, woman and child in America in ways too numerous to count, but even so...) Conservatives are more upset when an unwanted fetus is aborted than when thousands of poor children are caught up in drug addiction and gang violence because of a lack of effective social services. Even if one rates a welfare recipient less than an unborn fetus, wouldn't there be less welfare recipients if some unwanted fetuses never existed in the first place?
Liberals are constantly warning us that man is overloading the environment to the detriment of the plants. Howard Dean left the Episcopal Church—which is barely even a church—because his church, in Montpelier, Vermont, would not cede land for a bike path. Environmentally friendly exercise was more important than tending to the human soul. That's all you need to know about the Democrats. Blessed be the peacemakers who create a diverse, nonsexist working environment in paperless offices.Conservatives are constantly warning us that terrorists are a threat to our civilization. David Horowitz left the New Left--a group of long-haired radicals out of step with the mainstream left--because he felt the Right would better indulge his desire to blame America's problems on brown-skinned people. Belligerence in the service to imperial elitists was more important than tending to the needs of the oppressed. That's all you need to know about the Republicans. Blessed be the warmakers who create a world of angry, desperate suicide bombers.
Suspiciously, the Democrats' idea of an energy policy never involves the creation of new energy. They want solar power, wind power, barley power. How about creating a new source of energy? Nuclear reactors do that with no risk of funding Arab terrorists or—more repellent to liberals—Big Oil Companies. But in a spasm of left-wing insanity in the seventies, nuclear power was curtailed in this country. Japan has nuclear power, France has nuclear power—almost all modern countries have nuclear power. But we had Jane Fonda in the movie The China Syndrome. Liberals are very picky about their admiration for Western Europe.Suspiciously, the Republican's idea of an energy policy never involves replacing our dwindling sources of energy. They want oil, oil, and more oil. How about reducing our exhoribant energy needs and developing clean alternatives to our declining and dirty source of energy? Reducing our energy needs would make us far less reliant on tyrannical Arabian autocrats. But in a spasm of right-wing insanity throughout the fifties, sixties and seventies, the CIA and State Department supported Arab dictators like the Shah and Saddam Hussein, ensuring that the fledgling democratic movement of the Middle East would be ruthlessly crushed.